Family Reunions

So, my family FINALLY talked me into attending a family reunion last weekend.  I do not really enjoy camping and do not like to leave my little ones at home.  (It is amazing how you can supply cats for camping!  They had their playpen and pet stroller and were ready for anything, except dogs.)  The girls were amazing at how good they did.  Who says cats don't enjoy camping?

Today, I'm not sure if that was a good thing to do or not.

It was nice seeing all the aunts, uncles and cousins that I haven't seen for decades.  Listening to all the stories of their lives experiences, which were very enthralling.

The bad is...I thought my panic and depression was settling down.  After taking those days off for the reunion, I realize that they weren't settling down, they had just gotten so normal that I was ignoring them.  This week has been majorly trying.  I want to cry at everything and have been sleeping A LOT!

I am losing my part-time job this month and would like to only work one job for a while.  I think I'll eventually end up getting another one.  Especially now I'm think it would be nice to get a used Class C motor home!  The girls will really feel like they are at their second home then.

I guess we'll see where life takes us!

Reunion

I can't believe it, but my family has finally talked me into going to the Anderson reunion.  I haven't been camping in decades!  So making sure I have everything I need for a long weekend and camping has been quite the accomplishment.

I also have to get everything ready for the girls.  Because, if I have to go ... THEY HAVE to go also!  I got them a playpen and pet stroller.  So far they have gotten used to the playpen and I think learned to accept the stroller.  Pepin being Pepin, has decided they are hers and doesn't like Shadow to even check them out, let alone go into them.  I keep telling her the playpen and stroller are for both of them.  (I still can't get Shadow to really use the cat tree.)

I'm actually getting excited to leave and have the car half packed up since Monday night.  I want to give the girls a bath tonight, so they at least start out fresh and clean, finish packing and ready to leave tomorrow morning.

In the mean time, I made sure that any books I might want to read has been downloaded to my phone, I ordered one of those phone chargers that work off batteries (and I have lots of batteries) and it should be here today, my mp3 has any books and songs that I might want to listen to, and the girls' new littermaid is ready for tent usage (the old one is on it's last gasps and will be thrown away).  I may be camping, but I can't do without some very important things!

All I can say now is, camping....here we come!

Figero

I only fostered him for one night, but I miss little Figero like crazy!  I keep wondering how he is doing with his new family and frustrated that I am not getting good updates.  I keep bugging my poor sister and niece, like they could keep 24 hour track of him.

He was such a snuggly little guy.  The girls were not impressed!  

 

Laundry and other stuffs

It is amazing how much more enjoyable doing laundry can be with a new machine!  I have been working on all the laundry I let slide while trying to keep from flooding the bottom condo.  Watching a front loader is almost as good as tv, although the girls are not impressed.  Shadow jumps every time it makes a noise, and Pepin hid for 3 hours after the deliverymen left.

My latest strategy for getting to work on time seems to be working.  One of my co-workers, who lives near me, has been giving me a ride this week.  Since she works the ten hour shifts, not only am I on time, but I have time to eat breakfast and knit before I have to start.  (My bosses put me on 4 nine hour shifts and 1 four hour shift, I couldn't seem to do the ten hour ones.)

Now if I could make this a permanent fix....Reunion here I come!

Debt

I have been trying very hard to get out of debt.  It feels so good to be almost there.  I have been paying cash for everything and saving up if it is a big expense.  I was so VERY proud of myself for paying cash for my new swamp cooler.

And then it happened!  I cannot wait any longer for a new washer or mattress.  It was so very hard getting financing for them.

Not to say that I didn't try to wait, my mattress is 30 years old and the washer has been leaking for quite some time (my downstairs neighbor will have a fit if it starts leaking through the floor.)

What is that saying, something like, "two steps forward and four steps back."  I guess this is my backwards step.  I just need to keep myself from getting back into the trap.  I was proud of myself when they told me the amount I was approved for and I did NOT run back and get a matching dryer!

The delivery is Monday and I am so excited for a good night's rest.  I'm also planning on doing a LOT of laundry that I have been letting slide.  And I think that is the first time I've ever said I was excited about doing laundry!

Hopefully, I'll have two more steps forward and no more backward steps!

Family

I found out on Monday that one of my big sisters is the hospital with heart and lung problems.  Her family forgot to tell us until late Sunday night.

I must admit that I when we went to visit, I was expecting her to look worse than she was.  We were able to converse with her and had a couple of laughs.  I hope and pray that she will get better soon.  She has two grandchildren being born this summer and her youngest son just got engaged.  I know she will want to be there for all three occasions.

I also made a decision this weekend, that really excited two of my sisters.  I haven't gone to a family reunion for many decades.  The reason for missing one of them is the fact they CAMP for a week.  Everyone is always trying to talk me into going.  I decided that if I still have my part time job and if I can find a rental motor home that takes cats.....I will go to the Anderson reunion for a long weekend.  I now have two ecstatic sisters (and two concerned cats).  With the thought of a motor home, I'm actually looking forward to it.

To take the time off, I'll have to get my panic attacks better under control.  I use up all my sick and vacation, dealing with those stupid attacks.  I will need to save some up (maybe this will be the momentum for doing better)!  Here's to a better week of getting to work on time!

My mind is all over the place.

This weekend something would happen and I thought that would be a great blog, then something else happened and I thought the same, but Sunday I had 3 different items I thought would be a great blog....come Monday, I can hardly think of any of the three.  I'm afraid it might end up a combo of all three unrelated items and rather all over the place.

Saturday, I had a very wonderful niece house sit for the swamp cooler repair man, while I went to work.  They got it fixed and thankfully it was under warranty, so the money can go towards my new windshield for the car.  I do not know what I would do without my family, always willing to come house sit when I have repair people coming over.

Just in case it would cost something, I left my niece my debt card to pay for anything.  After work I realized I needed a few things from the store on the way home.  So, I popped right into Walmart and did my shopping getting a few things more than I actually "needed" and some I didn't need.  I got to the register and realized I didn't have my debt card, so I was very embarrassed to tell the cashier I couldn't get everything, and just got the milk which I had enough cash for.

Of course while driving home, it dawned on me, I had a checkbook in my purse....when did checks become such an outdated process.  I had checks in my purse and but didn't even think of them as I always use the debt card.  I felt so stupid!  And no, I did not return to the store to get the rest of the items.  I figured, if I waited a couple of days, they will have forgotten about me by then.

With the new year, I have gotten out of the habit of listening to scriptures, church magazines, conference talks, gospel music/hymns, study curriculum, etc. on Sundays. So I decided to get back in the habit.  First the New Testament wasn't set up like I thought it was, so listened to the church magazine for a couple of hours until I had a break long enough to at least set up the first four books.  Then I listed to Matthew.  I forgot how much I REALLY enjoyed listing to those items on a Sunday.  I was totally feeling the spirit (yes, even at work) and the people around me was worried that I was spreading viruses around as I was sniffling and trying to keep the tears in check.  It was a wonderful day of feelings that I had gotten out of the habit of having.

My main goal this week is to get it all set up for next Sunday, so that everything works like a charm and I can get that wonderful spirit again.

Of course, I was also thinking about the fact, I don't know if I could actually attend meetings if I wasn't working because of the panic attacks.  But, I could always continue doing my listening and trying to follow through the curriculum at home.

So, that was my weekend.  I guess a lot happened in such a short time.  But it was a rather productive process.  Now to see if I can continue with the changes I want to make or will I procrastinate like normal and drop the ball. 

Can't win for losing!

After 4 years of babying my rusted out swamp cooler through the summers, I finally bought a new swamp cooler this year.  Of course this would be the year that is so wet and cold that I haven't needed to use it yet.  The first warm time comes along and I need to call for service.  It keeps shutting off before cooling the condo down!

That is about how things seem to go.  It is hard to remember the good things that have happened and not keep going over the bad.  But, barring the bad things, I have a pretty good life. 

I have a place to call home, that is warm and dry (and soon to be cool). 
I have a car that gets me where I am going. 
I have not just one job, but two jobs that are keeping the bills paid.  Thank goodness and I can't wait until
        I'm totally out of debt.
I have food to eat and I'm able to feed the girls.
For my age, my health is reasonably good.
I have a good family who cares and helps me out.
I have two beautiful and healthy girls (Shadow and Pepin), that keep me laughing and busy.

Why is it easier to remember the bad things, when there is so much good in my life.  Is it because I concentrate on the bad in the belief that EVERYTHING in my life should be good?  Boy, is that illogical!

Panic and Depression Group Meetings

The Panic and Depression Group at Resilient Solutions, in Bountiful, has gone on hiatus for the summer.

I'm not sure how this summer will go without my weekly meetings with women that understand what I am going through and feeling, and can help me look at things in different ways.  It's kind of lonely without the support I get at the meetings.

It is so very easy to feel like you are the only one who has every gone through these types of issues, and to go through the loneliness and thoughts that no one else ever has gone through what you have.  Then to have met such wonderful women, that can help me see that I am not alone in all of this is beyond words.  The love I feel for each and every one of them and for the help that they have given me is tremendous.

The feeling of hope that comes over me through these meetings, that maybe, someday I won't have to deal with these things.  That there is a life out there and this isn't it!

And then to go without for a few weeks or months, I get so excited when they announce they are starting the meetings up again.

Of course I cannot talk about these wonderful meetings without mentioning the wonderful people who lead the group.  The therapist who always seems to so very happy, and willing to join in some of our exercises.  And the co-leader who is willing to share her time, experiences and research of when she was going through what we are now going through.  I don't think the group would be half as effective without their support and caring. 

My hope is that throughout the summer I can keep the spirit of the group within my heart and not allow myself to fall behind.

Mondays!

I keep telling myself that the next week (and starting on Monday) I will do so much better!  I will get up and get to work on time every day, I will take the train to save gas, I will be cheerier and on top of things and I WILL NOT panic over anything.  Okay the last three items may really be the impossible dream (okay maybe all of them)....but, I can hope can't I. 

I really have myself believing that I can pull it off, so why it is so hard to actually accomplish?  It might have something to do with my lack of self-discipline and maybe my laziness. Two places that I'm not sure I can, or want, to correct.  Although I keep telling myself that I would probably feel better if I could get control over both of those items.

I keep coming up with brilliant ideas for making the changes I need to.  But they never seem to work.  My last brilliant idea, I haven't been able to start applying it in the mornings.  Tomorrow morning, come rain or shine, I WILL implement my brilliant idea!

They have switched my CPU at work and I am having to learn new versions of programs, without any material to study.  It is driving me crazy that Word 2003 doesn't not work like Word 2000 did.  Usually I just fight the program and wish for Word Perfect to come back.

But I think this time, I am going to make the time to learn the program, even if I am overwhelmed with work.  Who knows maybe I'll get to like the Word a little bit more?  What would my co-workers do if I actually stopped gripping about Word....the could be interesting.

I am feeling bad that I didn't wish my niece a happy birthday yesterday.  I find as I get older things seem to slip more from my mind, especially if I cannot do it when I think about it and have to wait to accomplish it.  I did think about it at work yesterday.  But our cell phones have to be off on the floor, and when I had a break I completely had it slip my mind!  Now if someone to find a way to get the mind coordinated to think of things like that when you actually have the opportunity to accomplish it right then, live would run so much smoothly.

Is getting out of bed really worth it?

Sometimes I wonder is it really my panic attacks that make it so hard to leave the house every day.  Or if some of those days is me just not wanting to leave the house and I blame it on the panic attacks.

That is a hard question to try to answer. Am I having a hard time leaving the house because I am anti-social and don't want to go out or because I am having a panic attack and don't want to go out.

That thought pattern just circles back around and around.  

Then there are the employers who really need to take an indepth class in depression.  I really had a laugh (sarcasm), when my boss made such a big deal with me letting him know I have a major depression problem and needed some considerations.  After a couple of weeks he decided I was done with it and should just snap out of it. 

"Hello!  I've been depressed since grade school and you think I should snap out of it in a couple of weeks after 45 years???"

I don't think there is anybody with this type of depression who wouldn't love to snap out of it.  There is so much of life and happiness we miss. 

I don't want to wish this on anyone, but it would be nice if they felt the depth of the darkness, and complete emptiness for a few days so that they would understand exactly what it is like to go through this.  The fear that life just isn't worth living any more, that there is no one who understands or cares.

And then the ones who give up and take their lives.  They leave such wholes behind them.  I guess my main problem with this week is that fact that tomorrow it will have been one year since my nephew took his life.  He was only 19 and had such a great life a head of him, but I guess he couldn't see it. 

Then comes the "what didn't I do, what should I have done, did I see something that should have alerted me of the problem" starts.

Maybe next week will look up!  I can only hope!

First post!

So the question arises, what exactly do you talk about in your first post?  How much of yourselves do you reveal, but that might be helpful to others?  This should be interesting.

I have had depression problems since elementary school.  Most of my family has since been diagnosed as having a hormone imbalance, but that was long after elementary school.  When I was growing up I was just told to get rid of the attitude and be more like my sisters (because there was no such thing as depression or ADD in those days).

It wasn't until I was in my mid-20s before I found out that I had an actual problem and it was called depression.  Although, after many decades of medication, programs, individual therapy and group therapy, I am beginning to wonder if it is something I can ever come to live with or if it will always take over my live.

I do have to admit that I didn't really work hard with one therapist, but when he wanted me to digress to when I was born to find out what my feelings were then, I decided that it wasn't somewhere I wanted to go.  I have too many issues with the here and now and things I remember on my own.  I mean do I really want to have a first hand experience of my birth?  I have always thought that the things from my childhood that I have forgotten must have been for a reason and why dig them out.

I have enough things to work through without adding forgotten items to the list.

Right now I have a full time job, that is enough work for a minimum of 2 full time people and a part time job that is nice, but might lose the position in mid-May. 

My full time job is VERY stressful and I have a manager that if there is anything at all that might add to the stress, will do it to make sure his life is easier.  I keep hoping the economy will turn around and I can apply for a job that doesn't have over 100 to 300 others apply for.

I have gotten to the point where I can barely leave the house during the day to go to work or anything else.  It is very hard to talk or meet with people (sometimes even my family).

Thank goodness I have the best doctor and therapist who both work to help me through this.  I don't know if I could make it without their help.  (And of course my group session attendees, who have all become friends through the meetings and I don't know what I would do without any of them.)

Unless I want to go overboard with the poor-pitiful me.....I guess this is a good stopping point and I don't think I should write a book my first post.